hi im sk

I feel as if friends from my past resent me for things that I may (or may not) have said or done in the past, and refuse to build (or rebuild) our relationship with each other, regardless of how much time has past and how much I have changed and grown. I try to be nice, I try to reconnect. I remind people they mean something to me. When I get reminded of them, which is basically every other day because they were such a big part of my life, I tell them. I know it would put a huge smile on my face if they did it to me. It makes me sad because it feels as if I don’t matter at all to them. I know people change and grow apart, that’s a part of life. I’m not asking these people to move closer to me and hangout with me every day like we did in middle / high school. All I want is for people to acknowledge my existence and make me feel appreciated. I don’t know if they intentionally try to make me feel this way because of something shitty I might have done to them, or if they just don’t realize, but I honestly feel like I’m being mocked and laughed at. Sometimes I can be brutally honest, but I never had any bad intentions. I’ve only ever wanted what’s best for my friends. And I’ve only ever tried to avoid the toxicity of certain people, because not everyone realizes how other people are affected by what’s said and done. The communication just needs to be there. I think maybe I did something without realizing that really upset these old friends of mine, even though I may have already apologized. I just wish they’d tell me so I can grow from it, and they can heal and quit grasping onto the grudge they may or may not have against me so hard, because I can honestly say that I’m a really good, genuine, kind person that really just wants to be reminded of that. I can be extremely hard on myself and I am always in my own head. I just can’t help it, that’s how I’ve always been. Deep down I know who I am, but not knowing what anyone is thinking is eating me alive.